The Battle At Outpost A-214

The incessant chatter of Coalition assault rifles mixed with the harsh shriek of Dummy energy weapons. The occasional explosion sent shards of bone and plastic, fountains of blood and showers of sparks high into the air. The landscape was pockmarked and ruined, filled with smoking craters and littered with debris.

Mercenary Commander Peter Reynolds issued commands to the basic intelligences controlling a squad of Coalition troops, ordering them into a loose delta formation while moving towards the hill. Pulse grenades arced through the air, landing in the midst of the squad. The squad broke and lobbed grenades of their own as they jetted over the small rise. Explosions threw bits of plastic and metal at the troopers while the pulse grenades detonated harmlessly underneath.

One soldier lost its head to a piece of shrapnel, the rest of the body slumping uselessly to the ground, spraying blood as it went. Peter winced mentally as another was gunned down by a captured machine gun, the rounds overpenetrating and catching another in the guts. Deciding to do something about the rising 'death' count, he called a dropship from TradeStar and loaded it with bombs incendiary and fragmentation bombs.

He took control of the ship, leaving his troops to their own intelligence. It flashed over the Dummy lines as the bay doors opened. Bombs fell out of the cavernous bay, exploding into showers of white-hot thermite and sharp shrapnel. The blast waves blasted both dummies and Coalition soldiers apart as even more were consumed by fires or ripped to shreds by flying metal.

Hmm... Interesting idea, but you really need to check your grammar; even the first sentence is a fragment.

I think there should be a rule where the critique is shorter than the original. Just say'n

I think there should be a rule against people posting to berate necromancers instead of doing the sensible thing and using the report button.