View unanswered posts | View active topics It is currently Thu Mar 23, 2017 11:09 pm



Reply to topic  [ 25 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2
 Zen and the Art of Opposite Lock 
Author Message

Joined: Thu Jan 20, 2011 12:19 am
Posts: 395
Reply with quote
Post Re: Zen and the Art of Opposite Lock
Ociamarru wrote:
My ego must be bursting at the seems. You've characterized me expertly from my Data Realms Fan Forums posts. Lol I'm sure your life is so healthy in comparison. Sorry you'll never know how fun low-end torque can be. I have mutilated myself so hard with all the power oversteer.



It being easy ain't exactly his fault. Being defensive and then responding to what you're being defensive over with an attack doesn't scream "secure in himself".

People don't have to be chefs to know when food tastes bad.

MLC the term you're looking for is delusions of grandeur.


Mon Mar 07, 2016 10:03 am
Profile

Joined: Fri Sep 10, 2010 1:48 am
Posts: 596
Location: Halifax, Canada
Reply with quote
Post Re: Zen and the Art of Opposite Lock
Give him a break, he's 1 or 2 years into a physics degree and just studied an intro philosophy course; this attitude is almost to be expected. Give him another 2 years of it and he'll probably look back with horror and regret at writing this, much less posting it. Also he was drunk and holding someone too accountable to something they say when they're drunk is not cool (obvious exceptions of when you should hold someone accountable aside).

Ociamarru, you've had a fair amount of pretty valid criticism regarding the tone of the writing, and I don't think you need more. Instead I'll give you some nitpicks that you should change if you want to maintain the tone while (in my opinion) improving the story on the whole (okay I slipped up on this at the end, sorry). This list is in no way exhaustive, but using the forums to do this instead of a proper markup tool is too much of a pain in the ass for me to really get in there.

  1. "so I'd stab the throttle and powerslide one corner after the next at speeds the cops would allow in an elementary school parking lot." I don't drive, so maybe stabbing the throttle and powersliding implies you're going at a crawl, but this felt like a very confusing metaphor to me - I'd figured you would be writing about your daring drifts and swooping turns and stuff, but I guess you're saying you turned corners slowly and carefully? This is pretty unclear and this metaphor doesn't help much, plus it just feels like a weird thing to say - would you ever say, in conversation, "Man, the roads were so busy I was driving at speeds the cops would allow in an elementary school parking lot"? I doubt it.
  2. "shouting at me: Do it, do it, do it!" The 'do' after the colon should not be capitalized. See here.
  3. "his isn't something I've done very often, but the first time was right about then." This is kind of an unclear sentence, was this the first time you'd done opposite locking or had you done it before? 'Right about then' should probably be clarified.
  4. "Any thought of social inequity..." This is a bit of a run-on sentence, it doesn't help that you have seem to have a propensity for using unnecessarily longass words so it lasts for too long but doesn't actually say much.
  5. "90º" I may be wrong regarding informal creative writing, but at least in scientific writing you want to be consistent with your use of numbers or words. You've used words for numbers for the rest of the story, you probably want to change this to "ninety degrees". Also, the phrase "a complete 90º" sounds a little weird - usually people would use complete to describe 180 or 360. Maybe go with a right angle or perpendicular or some other way of describing your change in direction.
  6. "inkling of insight behind" should probably be "inkling of insight into" or something else. You don't have insight behind something, you have insight into the reason behind something. In the situation you've used it in though, it's not entirely wrong but it's not entirely right, and I'm struggling to put my finger on what exactly is off about it. You should probably consider changing it though, perhaps replacing insight with some other word or phrase.
  7. "I lay awake in bed..." There are two issues here, the simple one is that you're using lay when you should be using lie. The bigger one, is that it's unclear when you lie awake - do you lie awake every night, do you do it in the mornings, are you doing it right now in the car? You've changed the time of your story without explaining what you've changed it to. See here.
  8. You end the second paragraph in a comma, and though I get that you're opening quotation marks in the next part, that's still not right. Also, at some point you missed a period, though I didn't catch it on my second readthrough, and I don't want to go through it again just for that. Also one of your paragraphs has 2 blanks lines after it instead of one, though that might have happened when you pasted it into the posting box for the forums.


Now on to some more general criticisms and suggestions, I'll try not to reiterate what's already been said by others.

  • You probably should drop the angsty tone and dial it back on the needlessly big words if you don't want to elicit more of the same reaction you've already gotten. This is your story though, so you can write it however you want, but doing this will certainly help it.
  • You're not bad at writing, but you're not looking at things from the point of view of the audience (a lot of this isn't too great to read) and you're not actually looking at things with any real depth either - big words and angst do not a deep story make. And yeah, it's short so you can't go to deep into things, and at the level your course is at you'll get praised for it because it's certainly better and more superficially insightful than a lot of the stuff your prof has probably gotten (wow, this all feels exactly like my mum's critique of my writing when I was your age, goddamn), but in the end there is still plenty you can improve.
  • Your tone is inconsistent in the story, when you're talking about cars and driving and stuff it changes a fair deal from the rest of it. While this would be justified by the nature of the story if it were done properly, it feels more like your personal feelings on the subjects are taking over and changing how you write. And while it's great to love what you like (in this case, cars and physics), you should be more subtle and careful about how you inject that into your story, even if it's a story about you. Essentially, having the writing show how your whole outlook on life gets better when you think about your cool driving stuff is great, but I think you should do it more subtly and carefully, so it feels like the character's outlook is getting better rather than the writer's.
  • Also regarding car stuff, your car stuff is pretty dense. As I said before, I don't drive but even if I did I'd probably still find it too dense since I'm not super into cars. You load on the details regarding car stuff far more than you need to or should, and it slows down the pace and makes the already dense read (because of your aforementioned word choice) even denser. Focusing on the important stuff like your crazy drift and so on is important of course, since that's the point of the story, but I suggest you cut back on the car facts a bit and try to make do with a more is less approach there.

Hope this helps, I didn't plan to write so much but here it is anyway.


Mon Mar 07, 2016 8:27 pm
Profile
DRL Developer
DRL Developer
User avatar

Joined: Tue Jun 12, 2007 11:52 pm
Posts: 6889
Location: Here
Reply with quote
Post Re: Zen and the Art of Opposite Lock
Metaphors, analogies, and flowery descriptions are good in moderation. Too much and you end up with many words with little overall meaning.

Instead of padding your word count with unnecessary wordplay as interesting as Joe's rambling, put more actual information.

Concise:
"Vandolf punches John."

Acceptable detail:
"Vandolf slams his fist into John's face, knocking loose a few teeth and sending the human plowing through the grass."

Overdone:
"With a clenched fist, Vandolf pushes off his back leg and propels an expertly-executed right straight that would've given Mike Tyson a run for his money. The freight-train of hardened bone and tense muscle accelerates and then slams into John's unprepared face like an idle cow on the tracks. Teeth snap like chalksticks and John's face briefly lingers before catching up as the rest of his head, and body, soar back and become airborn. A split-second later, grass blades shower the area as John plows through the field like a low-angle meteorite impact, leaving a scar of fresh earth on the land as a testament to Vandolf's might."

More information:
"Vandolf punches John, and then kicks him in the balls."


Mon Mar 07, 2016 9:36 pm
Profile
Loose Canon
User avatar

Joined: Sun Mar 29, 2009 11:07 pm
Posts: 2990
Location: --------------->
Reply with quote
Post Re: Zen and the Art of Opposite Lock
D:


Tue Mar 08, 2016 1:36 am
Profile WWW
User avatar

Joined: Fri Dec 22, 2006 4:20 am
Posts: 4761
Location: Good news everyone!
Reply with quote
Post Re: Zen and the Art of Opposite Lock
While this video isn't perfect, I like some of the messages in it and it's pretty relevant.

It talks about nominalization, what I would call complex mixed words, and how they impact writing. Overusing them, or other overly large words, can severely lessen the impact of a sentence. While one or two in a sentence can be okay, it really complicates sentences to use uncommon words like that. It's typically hard on your readers, and if you care about your readers at all it's a good idea to mix in those complicated sentences with very simple ones.

Or, if you don't want to, at least realize the impact that has on the end result. To quote the video, "Writers who overload their sentences with nominalizations tend to sound pompous and abstract."
Nominalizations can be a tool to discuss of complex ideas, or as a way to make your reader slam the breaks and read more slowly through a section. But, when you overuse them throughout your writing... yeah.


Tue Mar 08, 2016 4:52 am
Profile WWW
User avatar

Joined: Wed May 18, 2011 2:44 am
Posts: 487
Location: Dank dreams.
Reply with quote
Post Re: Zen and the Art of Opposite Lock
Ociamarru, pay attention to the advice and learn from it. It takes courage to toss your work on the internet, so good on ya. One major thing to know is that criticism may be constructive, scathing, or a mixture of the two(see homo's posts). Having thick skin is a really great asset in life, and everyone should start working on building up a tolerance and skin at some point if they want to actually be a resilient person.

Again, look at the advice and pay mind to it, and keep doing what you enjoy. Never let a sour experience stop you from doing something again, unless you genuinely don't enjoy the activity.

There's my two cents.


Fri Mar 11, 2016 5:13 am
Profile
User avatar

Joined: Wed Jul 01, 2009 11:46 pm
Posts: 1923
Reply with quote
Post Re: Zen and the Art of Opposite Lock
For what it's worth, I was immensely intoxicated when I posted this and the recourse I'd constructed in my head has kept me from so much as entering the letter "f" into my address bar for the last few weeks because I had some idea of the behavior I'd displayed. That humiliation will probably continue for some time, after which I should hope to read your criticisms and breathe the light in, so to speak. As it stands, I lack the fortitude to read the first page of this catastrophe - I vaguely remember being obstinate as ♥♥♥♥, for which I apologize.

PS The original paper was required to have a quote from "Crazy Brave" by Joy Harjo, which I included at the beginning ["East is the direction of beginnings. It is sunrise. When beloved Sun rises, it is an entrance, a door to fresh knowledge. Breathe the light in."]; I changed it to the IJ quote mainly because it was what I was reading at the time.


Wed Mar 30, 2016 5:56 am
Profile
User avatar

Joined: Wed May 18, 2011 2:44 am
Posts: 487
Location: Dank dreams.
Reply with quote
Post Re: Zen and the Art of Opposite Lock
Ociamarru wrote:
For what it's worth, I was immensely intoxicated when I posted this and the recourse I'd constructed in my head has kept me from so much as entering the letter "f" into my address bar for the last few weeks because I had some idea of the behavior I'd displayed. That humiliation will probably continue for some time, after which I should hope to read your criticisms and breathe the light in, so to speak. As it stands, I lack the fortitude to read the first page of this catastrophe - I vaguely remember being obstinate as ♥♥♥♥, for which I apologize.

PS The original paper was required to have a quote from "Crazy Brave" by Joy Harjo, which I included at the beginning ["East is the direction of beginnings. It is sunrise. When beloved Sun rises, it is an entrance, a door to fresh knowledge. Breathe the light in."]; I changed it to the IJ quote mainly because it was what I was reading at the time.

Don't sweat the small stuff.


Wed Mar 30, 2016 9:55 am
Profile
User avatar

Joined: Fri Dec 22, 2006 4:20 am
Posts: 4761
Location: Good news everyone!
Reply with quote
Post Re: Zen and the Art of Opposite Lock
Yeah, it's alright Ocia. Just be careful how much you drink.


Sat Apr 02, 2016 3:16 am
Profile WWW

Joined: Thu Jan 20, 2011 12:19 am
Posts: 395
Reply with quote
Post Re: Zen and the Art of Opposite Lock
Alcohol gives local man delusions of grandeur and a giant ego. More shocking news at 11.

Don't sweat it. If this is a big deal to you, you'd die of shame if you'd done half the dumb intoxicated ♥♥♥♥ I've done. Write more, even if it's bad. Your story shows decent technical ability, you just gotta find your voice instead of putting on the badass misunderstood intellectual mask you put on while writing this.


Fri Apr 29, 2016 7:31 pm
Profile
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Reply to topic   [ 25 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Yahoo [Bot]


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007 phpBB Group.
Designed by STSoftware for PTF.
[ Time : 0.029s | 18 Queries | GZIP : Off ]